


(i don't mind the) sleepless nights

by johnyongclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Come Eating, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, Inspired by Love Rosie, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:20:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24704476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongclub/pseuds/johnyongclub
Summary: Johnny really, really likes Taeyong, but the time is never right.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, other - Relationship
Comments: 19
Kudos: 218





	(i don't mind the) sleepless nights

**Author's Note:**

> hello guess who's back!! i haven't written or posted anything because i was busy with my twt au but i found this wip and decided to work on it.
> 
> not sure if i should add anymore tags?? im not good with smut but the flow had me writing it lmaoo. um, if you're uncomfortable with cheating sex then this probably isn't for you.
> 
> also some scenes i pictured with this [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/3WPK4vjLMa9ZxaYetkh47M?si=KgOWl1LmTLiLw8yvXG_cvA) in the background (scene hint: stars)
> 
> pls also take note that i didn't proofread this At All bye

Taeyong looks like a star. 

The literal star, Johnny thinks. Sometimes when he looks at his best friend he thinks he doesn't even deserve the luxury of existing within the same time as Taeyong. Sometimes he thinks Taeyong belongs in the sky, amongst the other stars and all those things in space that's too beautiful to be walking the earth.

He wonders if there's a reason why Taeyong loves the night sky so much, like Johnny does because it reminds him of _Taeyong_ . He didn't even like looking up at the stars until Taeyong had woken him up at three in the morning, both of them fourteen years old, and got him to sneak out of the house to go uphill and told him that they're going _'stargazing'_. 

Johnny remembers asking _'what's the point?'_ and Taeyong had merely lifted his shoulders in a shrug and said that it was a nice way to waste time. Later on though, when they had freshly graduated high school, Taeyong told him that the point had always been that they get to spend some quiet time together, and he got to think about many things while still feeling at peace.

(He never told Johnny what he had truly meant.)

They're twenty-five now, still growing, still breaking at some point, lost but never alone. Johnny is admiring the side of Taeyong's face as the latter gazes up at the sky. He knows he's staring but he'd gotten caught too many times to care and Taeyong smiles the way he usually does when he knows Johnny is watching him. 

Taeyong's smile is blinding, even the stars are envious. 

Through the years, Taeyong has completely destroyed his hair by bleaching it a different color nearly every month. Now, though, he had just dyed it a natural brown and it falls softly over his eyebrows, the way he usually leaves it when he couldn't be bothered. Johnny likes seeing him like this, so soft, so gentle.

(He likes this a lot; he likes that he can be open with Taeyong like this and Taeyong wouldn't find him odd, wouldn't find him weird, wouldn't tell him to stop.)

"Tell me you don't stare at someone else like this too, Johnny," Taeyong breaks the silence, finally turning his head to look at him, his smile cheeky. "Because if you do, I'm honestly surprised you're still alive."

Johnny scoffs, looking away only so he could pick at the grass beneath them. "I don't like staring at other people. You just, y'know, you have a nice face."

Taeyong laughs at this and he rolls his eyes, moving to lay on his back. Johnny swears he sees Taeyong's dark eyes twinkle, big and doe-like and just- _Taeyong_. "Do you watch her like that?"

Ah, right. Johnny had completely forgotten the fact that he is currently in an almost serious relationship with his girlfriend, just as Taeyong got out of one with his ex fiance. What a brilliant timing of events.

Johnny wants to scream.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Johnny first realized he was in love with Taeyong when they were sixteen.

They were fresh out of the shower after a victorious match with the neighboring high school and Taeyong was covered in only a towel below his waist, soaking up the attention and praises the rest of the boys were showering him with after having scored for their team. 

Taeyong had always been a star and he loved it. He loved the attention, he loved the praise, he loved the fact that he could give any of them the _look_ with his stupid pretty eyes and they'd give him anything he wanted. Taeyong's charm and good looks were kind of annoying to Johnny.

Though that's only because he couldn't help but feel this attraction for his own best friend.

Johnny only wanted to be normal best friends, minus the racing heartbeats and moments where he felt like kissing Taeyong. He wanted to be buddies that hang out at each other's place every single day and play football together, talk about girls together, fail their tests together.

Instead sometimes when he looked over at his best friend, Johnny thought about how soft his lips would be if they were to kiss. That was not normal best friend behavior he wanted to have. He realized then that it had started happening since the night Taeyong made him watch the stars together, two years prior.

"Once again, the star of our team!" Johnny said, curling his arm around Taeyong's neck and pulling him down so he could use his free hand to ruffle the smaller male's hair. 

Taeyong was laughing as he struggled to free himself from Johnny's strong grip. He managed eventually, hair a damp nest upon his head and a hand pressed upon Johnny's chest as if to keep him away. He's still beaming as he makes a show of bowing at the other teammates, the entire group of them cheering once again. 

Later on, their team captain, Yuta, brought them to the town's diner and bought pizza for dinner. They're rowdy boys but the diner's staff were used to their presence; it was the only place Johnny thought they could be painfully, annoyingly themselves.

Within the team, Johnny and Taeyong had gotten close to Jaehyun, Doyoung and Mark, who is the youngest but undoubtedly a good team player. They were a tight knit, even with the rest of the team but if Johnny could call anyone of them a close circle, it'd be the three. 

It came as a random thought, really, but Johnny was watching Taeyong laugh at something their senior Baekhyun was doing, as if it was the funniest thing, when it struck him that maybe, just maybe, he should come clean. He should tell taeyong about the feelings he had been feeling and it was a _bad_ time but Johnny never holds back.

Except, maybe, he took a little too long to decide.

He was up, he remembers this clearly, off his chair to tail after Taeyong, who'd gotten up and Johnny knew he was supposed to call for him, that if he did then Taeyong would listen to him _first_. But Yuta beat him to it and Johnny, young, foolish Johnny, stood there and watched as Taeyong agreed to a date. 

He figured then, that night as he stared up at his ceiling, it could be a good thing that he was a second too late. If Taeyong had agreed to go on a date with Yuta so easily then Johnny never had the chance to begin with. So it was good. For awhile.

Yuta was Taeyong's first boyfriend and as his best friend, Johnny had the first class seat to watch the two grow closer and closer. He was the one Taeyong called at almost two in the morning crying about _Yuta_ , he was the one who sat and listened to Taeyong gush about their team captain and he was the one who held Taeyong in his arms when Yuta stood him up on their planned date.

What he once tried to convince himself was just a simple, childish crush seemed to be a lot bigger than he would like it and in those six months that Taeyong and Yuta were a thing, Johnny was miserable.

When junior year rolled around, however, Johnny met Ten, the exchange student from Thailand and, for the first time in almost a year, Johnny felt good.

By the time they were close enough for Johnny to make a move, he hadn't hesitated and Ten became his first boyfriend, a sure high school sweetheart.

A day later, Taeyong and Yuta broke up.

And so the cycle begins.

* * *

  
  
  


Senior year was eventful and hurtful all at once. Taeyong and Yuta did not end things on a good term and it affected everyone in the team, so much that Taeyong ended up quitting, even after Johnny's many attempts to make him stay. 

On the one side, Johnny and Ten were inseparable. They grew closer with each passing day and Johnny found more and more things to like about Ten that it was enough to make him forget he had feelings for Taeyong before. Taeyong made himself scarce throughout. Johnny thought it was unfair because as much as it had hurt him, he was always there when Taeyong needed him. 

It scared him at some point that his friendship with Taeyong would meet its end a little soon. He didn't want to lose his best friend and he certainly didn't want to lose him over some stupid reason.

Towards the end of senior year, after their final exams and in the time period where all of them were anxiously waiting for their results, Ten had to go back to Thailand. Instead of making things complicated, he was straightforward when he told Johnny that it would be best if their relationship ends right then, that the distance wouldn't work.

Johnny thinks he should have fought harder to prove Ten wrong but instead he'd agreed and let him go.

Perhaps somewhere in the back of his head, there was a little hope that maybe there would be a chance with Taeyong. So he didn't fight and he hoped.

Summer that year, Johnny and Taeyong were glued at the hip. They grew inseparable once again and they did everything together. There were instances where Johnny thinks they were so close to sharing a kiss but there was always something; a phone call or Jaehyun walking in on them or _something_.

And then their college acceptance letters came and Taeyong flew all the way to Oxford. 

Another chance lost.

* * *

  
  
  


They kept in touch. Johnny refused to let distance destroy their well-built friendship and he wanted to know everything that Taeyong experienced abroad. They called daily and he told Taeyong about his classes, his new friends and everything in between.

Taeyong was a little reserved but Johnny didn't question it. Taeyong had always been a little quieter, a little closed off, and he was always better at talking in person than on the phone. 

Johnny guesses it really shouldn't surprise him that by the time they graduated and Taeyong came back to America, he didn't come home alone.

It was almost funny by then; the kind of funny that made Johnny want to cry and laugh at the same time. He wouldn't admit to this aloud but he had kept himself available through the entire college years hoping that by the end of it, he'd be able to go back to winning Taeyong's heart.

Time and time again, Johnny proved himself foolish.

Taeyong introduced Chanyeol as his _fiancé_. It seemed surreal to Johnny and he did not react to it positively. It upset Taeyong, of course, because he had looked excited and happy to be introducing Chanyeol to Johnny, skips in his steps with that stupid blinding smile he has and that god-awful red hair on his head, looking like the fucking devil. Innocence on his face, blood on his hands.

Johnny's blood, even if it isn't quite literally.

His reasoning for being upset had been pathetic. He told Taeyong he was too young to be engaged to someone only a couple of years older than them and it had upset Taeyong that much more, until Johnny picked up the courage to apologize.

It should have been sincere, but Johnny thought it was bullshit and knew from the start it wouldn't last.

It didn't, but Johnny felt bad anyway.

Granted, it did last for a couple of years, enough for Johnny to give up in between and stop waiting. Taeyong was happy and Johnny remembered that everything else doesn't matter as much as Taeyong's happiness does, so he lets him go. 

A year before Taeyong's planned wedding, Johnny started his job as a professional photographer. There, he met Joy, at a shoot for a magazine and she was the model. They hit right off the bat and became close, the constant flirting and calls moved into something even more and soon enough Johnny found himself asking her out on a proper date.

Taeyong is engaged to marry and Johnny is smitten. And, thinking back, he thinks he was wrong when he thought the cycle would end.

No, it continues.

* * *

  
  
  


"Do you know what pisses me off the most?" Taeyong is asking with a ferocity in his movements as he wipes the plates he was just washing up. "Men who don't clean up after themselves. Like? It's basic human decency! I should have taken it as a red flag the moment I saw that leftover pizza on the table the day after I hung out at his place."

One of Johnny's favorite things to do is this; listening to Taeyong go on and on and on about what makes him angry, what makes him happy, what makes him sad. The current topic is Taeyong's realization that Chanyeol was, in fact, not his type. Johnny can't say he isn't amused.

He hums, biting into a freshly washed strawberry as he speaks. "Love blinds you, s'what I heard. I'm sorry he's a prick but honestly I think it's for the best. He can go be messy in someone else's life."

Taeyong turns to face him, sighing as he tosses the rag aside and coming over to grab one of the fruits as well. "Do you think it's blinding you?"

"What?"

"Love," Taeyong says, chewing at his strawberry. "You're in love, aren't you? Do you think you're blinded by it right now?"

The question leaves Johnny dumbfounded and he parts his lips to speak but, as if on cue, his phone lights up with a notification from Joy. He ignores it.

"I don't-" He shrugs his shoulders, finding it impossible to say his thoughts aloud. But it's Taeyong. He can always be honest with Taeyong. "I don't think I'm in love with her. Yet."

Taeyong's eyebrows raise, mocking. "Yet? You've been together like, what? A year?"

"Doesn't mean I have to be in love with her," Johnny scoffs, picking up another strawberry to bite into. 

The laugh Taeyong lets out is that familiar, snorty one he usually does whenever he thinks Johnny is being ridiculous and stupid and from how often he actually laughs like that, one can tell how many times Johnny acts ridiculously and stupidly.

"Mm," Taeyong hums, leaning over the kitchen island where Johnny is sat at. "I don't think you've ever been in love before. Not Ten, and now not Joy. Did you see anyone at college?"

 _No_ , Johnny wants to say. _No because I was waiting for your ass to come home_. Instead he pretends trying to recall. "Nah. Nothing serious, just hookups here and there. I wouldn't say never, though."

Taeyong looks genuinely surprised, "With who? Johnny, I've known you my entire life. The only bits I missed were those long college years. I think I'd know if you were ever in love before."

"Not if I didn't tell anyone about it," Johnny mumbles, annoyed that Taeyong is so clueless, angry that they're still not together. "Doesn't matter anyway. I never had a chance."

They stare at each other for a whole minute then, unblinking, almost challenging. Taeyong looks offended at first, probably for the sole reason of not knowing this about Johnny, but then he softens and he leans, a little too close. "How do you know?"

"How do I know what?"

"That you never had a chance?" Taeyong asks, this time allowing his gaze to shift, briefly, to Johnny's pair of lips. It makes Johnny's heart beat like crazy.

He clears his throat, willing himself _not_ to look at Taeyong's and trying to remember that he's with Joy now. "We would've been together if I did."

For another moment, Johnny keeps his gaze locked to Taeyong's and there is nothing but silence, something like recognition, something like realization. But mostly, the air feels like regret. 

Taeyong's big eyes are sparkly and soft, staring into his and then he blinks, pulling back with a nervous little smile. "I gotta go pick up Ruby from the vet."

"Want me to come with?" Johnny tries.

Taeyong shakes his head before gesturing towards Johnny's phone with his chin. "Think you're needed somewhere else."

As he walks off with a pat to Johnny's shoulder, Johnny finally looks at his phone and sees the three missed calls and about ten messages from Joy. He sighs and opens one of the messages to reply. She's asking about their date tonight and if he was completely honest, the mood is gone. But Joy doesn't deserve to be cancelled on so he says okay. 

He's just gotta get Taeyong out of his head.

* * *

  
  
  


The thing about Taeyong is that he knows _exactly_ what he's doing. Taeyong may be oblivious when it comes to Johnny's feelings and a lot of other things but Taeyong _knows_ when the attention is on him and he showers in it like one would shower in gold.

The highlight of Johnny's current misery tonight is having to watch Taeyong own the dance floor like it belongs to him and him alone. He dances well and does it purely out of leisure purposes. Johnny thinks that if Taeyong had true passion for it, he would excel in a possible dancing career.

The wicked part is, get this; Joy is dancing _with_ Taeyong, laughing, having fun, radiating all of the sexy aura that she naturally has, yet Johnny's eyes kept going back to Taeyong instead, to the way Taeyong's eyes crinkled at the corners and how his mouth parts to let out a laugh. And it's sickening, it's all so sickening. Johnny is an asshole.

He takes a long swig from his beer bottle, hating the nasty taste on his tongue because he's never been a fan and he's only doing this hoping it'd clear his head (which is stupid, yes, he knows). 

"I can literally feel your turmoil, Johnny," Jaehyun says with a laugh, loud enough to be heard over the music. They're seated at the lounge at some nightclub Mark brought them to and said boy is downing his, Johnny isn't sure, maybe fifth shot.

Johnny makes a face at Jaehyun's observation. Sure, he wasn't lying when he told Taeyong that nobody knew about who he was in love with but it didn't mean that Jaehyun is _clueless._ They've been friends since forever and Jaehyun, Doyoung and Mark had gone to the same college Johnny did. Taeyong was the only one who left the country.

Not to mention, Jaehyun is observative. He notices the smallest details even Johnny couldn't hide. Like right now, with that stupid smirk directed at Johnny, as if he knows what goes on in his mind. Johnny wouldn't be surprised if he'd known all along.

"I don't even know what you're talking about," Johnny says, feigning nonchalance and shrugging his shoulders, hoping they would buy into it.

Jaehyun scoffs, "Okay, then stop checking out Taeyong and pay attention to your girlfriend."

If anyone could choke on literally nothing, Johnny is an expert at it. He coughs, feeling so absolutely called out and drowning it out by taking another big gulp of his beer. _No, no, no, no, no_. There's no way that Jaehyun would know. Wasn't he saying he wouldn't be surprised if Jaehyun does know? So why is he wishing the floor would swallow him whole?

Doyoung is frowning, clearly unamused and obviously wanting to change the subject, to which Johnny is grateful for. "Can't believe I have to be the mom of this group _again_."

"Aw, babe, c'mon." Jaehyun laughs, swinging an arm around Doyoung's shoulders and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You don't even like to drink."

Johnny watches this, with fondness? Envy? Maybe a little bit of both. Jaehyun had never shied away from pursuing Doyoung since freshman year in high school and from what Johnny knows, it was not an easy chase, because Doyoung isn't the easiest guy but by the time second year of college rolled in, the two were dating officially. 

He really, really can't relate. 

Looking away from the pair, Johnny finds Joy stumbling over to him, laughing over something Taeyong had said. She gives him a kiss on his lips before whining something unintelligible, dropping onto his side where she then rests her head onto his shoulder. She's drunk, clearly, and it's never fun. 

Johnny himself is a little buzzed but not enough to not be aware of his surroundings. He looks up to see Taeyong staring at them, a pout on his pink lips and then, like a miracle but also a curse, he comes up and sits himself right onto Johnny's lap.

In his panic, Johnny flinches, causing Joy's head to fall onto his other lap instead, a clear sign she's passed out. Taeyong is _giggling_ and Johnny's face and neck feel like they're on fire.

"Do you like my outfit tonight, Johnny?" Taeyong asks, an arm around Johnny's neck. His face is flushed, from the dancing and the shots of tequila he'd downed before hitting the dance floor. Taeyong is _drunk_ and that explains the nerves he has.

It's not like Johnny hadn't noticed what Taeyong was wearing when they had all met up earlier. In fact, it might have been the only outfit that caught his eye. He's not saying Joy didn't look beautiful but she'd dressed like she's always dressed and it's no excuse, but Taeyong topped everyone's fit tonight.

His black sleeveless cropped top is the glittering sheer type, sheer enough to be able to see his nipples and cropped up enough to be able to see his navel piercing. His brown hair is black now, dark against pale skin. His eye make up matches the color and glimmers of his top, glitter under the outer side of his eyebrows. It's a look and Johnny is obsessed.

He's still _stunned_ , however, so he's left stammering and Jaehyun is snickering at the side, teasing. 

"Johnny?" Taeyong calls, big eyes doe-like as he waits. Johnny hates it when he uses those eyes.

"Um," He clears his throat, a hand naturally resting at Taeyong's hip. "You look amazing, Yong."

Taeyong beams. He's intoxicated enough to be taking any kind of compliments. Johnny couldn't help but be aware of how close Taeyong's face is to his and it reminds him of all those times they had an almost kiss but always, always got interrupted.

"You look so handsome tonight," Taeyong is saying, a palm dragging down Johnny's chest and it rests right above his crotch, so dangerously close. Taeyong's lips brushed over his cheek, his words whispered so close to his ear. "I dressed up for someone. It's stupid but I dressed up for someone."

Johnny's mouth parts to speak but then Mark is laughing and screaming over the music. "Yo, why does this look like you're gonna end up having a threesome?! That'd be so sick though!"

Jaehyun laughs and even Doyoung couldn't help the smile on his lips. Johnny isn't amused, not because the idea repulses him, but because the picture the thought painted in his head is pure _sin_.

Joy stirs a little bit and then, Taeyong pales before doubling over and throwing up all over Joy's dress.

Boy, oh boy. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


To sum up that night at the club it was nothing less of a mess. Taeyong puking all over Joy woke her up from her sleep and then there were screaming and cussing and a lot of apologizing. 

Mark calls it the Tragedy of Nottingham Street, which is apparently the name of the club they were at. Johnny wants to hit him but _tragedy_ was just a simple way to put it. It was horrifying and friendships were definitely being tested.

Obviously Johnny had sent Joy home first but he didn't stay when she asked him to. He felt bad that he was eyeing his own best friend while his girlfriend was there and he felt bad that Taeyong was drunkenly flirting with him so staying was never going to be a wise decision. 

It's funny, though, how with all that guilt Johnny still went to Taeyong's apartment to make sure he's tucked in well. Taeyong was out cold while Johnny was still there and he didn't ask Johnny to stay.

But Johnny stayed anyway. 

* * *

  
  
  


It gets progressively worse. Taeyong lives in Johnny's head rent-free and he means almost every minute of his day is taken up by thoughts of Taeyong and Taeyong on his fucking lap. 

By some kind of miraculous coincidence, Taeyong receives an offer as a journalist at the company Johnny is signed with, apparently recommended by partners who have had the pleasure to work with Taeyong's meticulous skills. 

Which means, Johnny goes to work with Taeyong and there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't go _together_. He really can't say he's upset.

When he said worse, however, he did not mean the fact that he sees Taeyong every single day. They're best friends and Johnny has seen Taeyong almost every day since they were eight. When he said worse, he means Taeyong stopping by the public massage chair everyday after work to get a five-minute bare minimum massage and Johnny is made to watch him moan. He _moans_ , and shamelessly so.

The night Taeyong sat on that chair for the first time, Johnny went home with his dick hard in his pants and Joy was there, excited, always, always willing to indulge in sexual endeavors with Johnny so he fucked her brains out into the mattress to the memory of Taeyong's face and his stupid fucking moan. 

He knew right after he emptied into the condom that he is well and truly fucked. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


He tries not to think of it because not thinking of it stops him from feeling guilty. He tells Taeyong he'd wait in the car if Taeyong goes on that chair so he doesn't have to hear him moan again and he doesn't touch Joy that way, not unless he's certain he wasn't just horny because of Taeyong. 

Still, with all those precautions, it doesn't stop him from curling his fingers around his cock under the shower head and jack off to images of Taeyong in his head. Taeyong's hands and Taeyong's mouth and Taeyong's moans. How good it'd feel around him when he moans, how deep he'd take Johnny down his throat. It never takes long for him to spill. 

Every night Johnny lays in bed and wishes he could do _something_ about this. Should he break things off with Joy? Should he just stop thinking about Taeyong? In the end, he always ends up cumming into his fist because _Taeyong_ lingered in his brain.

For one, he feels like a pervert. It's so wrong on so many levels and Taeyong is his best friend and he has a fucking girlfriend to begin with. It's almost like his body craves that one scratch he knows only Taeyong is capable of relieving and it's wrong to think of it but Johnny thinks of it always.

Now, though, the long awaited weekend is finally here, a day off from work and he gets to sit back and relax and maybe try not to think about anything. Said attempt is fruitless because as soon as he stands under the showerhead for a nice, warm shower, his thoughts run wild and he goes back to square one. 

It's almost frustrating how easily he gets hard just at the briefest memory of Taeyong moaning. In his defense, the memory came with a chain of other memories, the night at the club being one of it. He thinks about how he'd seen Taeyong's nipples through that sheer top, how he'd probably pull it off of him if he had the chance and kiss Taeyong _everywhere._

His fingers wrap around his cock then, already hard from thinking those thoughts and he hisses at the contact, hips jerking forward. Usually he'd be quick about it, just jerk it off and be done in less than five minutes but today he feels somewhat adventurous.

He pumps at his length in slow strokes, moaning as his eyes close and immediately Taeyong's face focuses behind his closed lids. He pictures Taeyong's mouth wrapped around his cock instead of his own hand, moans as the Taeyong in his imagination begins bobbing his head. 

"Shit," Johnny cusses, his eyes open to watch the way his fingers pump at his cock. His free palm braces himself against the wall and it's so good and no matter how long he wants to hold this out, Johnny doesn't think he's physically capable.

It's when he's seconds away from spilling, moaning Taeyong's name that he hears the gasp and Johnny jumps in surprise, scrambling to cover himself. He's mortified to see that it's Taeyong standing at the doorway of his bathroom, looking more surprised than shocked. 

Right, right. He forgot that Taeyong has keys to his place, best friend privilege, and now is the only time Johnny wishes he didn't give that spare key to Taeyong. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. He's so fucking screwed.

"Johnny?" Taeyong finally speaks up, his voice a little croaky, as if he'd been there longer than Johnny thinks. Fuck, he has been, hasn't he?

"Fuck, Yong. Sorry- I, it's not what you think." He struggles to find the right words, looking like a fool with a hand shielding his crotch as if Taeyong had never seen him naked before. "Shit, I'm sorry."

Taeyong shakes his head. "No, no. Please. Don't be. It's my fault. I shouldn't have- I didn't think you were-" He clears his throat. "Did I hear you right?"

Johnny swallows. It's growing incredibly weird that they're talking while he's naked, still hard from imagining fucking his best friend's throat. "What do you mean? Hear what?"

The once soft, unsure gaze Taeyong held quickly morphs into a look of realization and Johnny swears he could see Taeyong's dark eyes darken. "Do you need help?"

"W-what?" Johnny's voice breaks.

Taeyong shrugs. "You were moaning my name. How did you picture me? Against the wall? On my knees?"

 _Fuck_ , Johnny thinks. His dick twitches with interest, as if it knows the object of his fantasies is standing right in front of him and Johnny contemplates when he knows he shouldn't even be considering it.

Taeyong's eyebrow quirks up in question, asking once more. Johnny decides that maybe, if this itch is scratched away properly, then it would disappear.

"On your knees," He says then, answering the question but Taeyong takes it as a command.

He watches as Taeyong gets down onto his knees, seeming unbothered by how wet the floor is and then he looks up at Johnny, lashes dark and eyes hooded and it's better than what he'd been picturing in his head. His breath hitches in his throat and he allows Taeyong to move at his own pace.

His best friend's slender fingers curl around his erection, so warm it made his length twitch. Taeyong's mouth curls into a smirk, tugged up at the corner before he kissed at the fat tip of Johnny's cock. Johnny hisses from the pleasure, knowing he wouldn't last very long the more he realizes that this is truly happening. Taeyong is about to suck him off.

Taeyong's fingers pump at the shaft for a few moments and then he closes his mouth around the tip, suckles timidly and it's only when Johnny's digits curl around a lock of his black hair that Taeyong takes him deep, deep down his throat. 

It's truly nothing close to how it went in his head. This is better. This is mindblowing. Johnny moans as Taeyong begins sucking him off properly, moaning that pretty moan around his cock as he bobs his head. Each slide of his lips around him sends him into a daze, pushing him closer to the edge and embarrassingly enough, Johnny is close.

"Fuck, m'gonna cum," He warns the other, afraid he'd accidentally spill somewhere Taeyong wouldn't want him to but Taeyong isn't letting up, instead he goes faster. His throat tightens around Johnny's shaft, eyes rolled back and he swallows around him enough to start gagging. 

But that's when Johnny loses it. He spills down Taeyong's throat with a shameless moan, head thrown back as he rides out his orgasm. Taeyong continues to move his head, milking him off every last drop and he only pulls back when Johnny's thighs start to shake and he has to push Taeyong off.

Taeyong rises to his feet, unshaken and wearing a smile on his face as he pulls Johnny down for a kiss. 

God, he'd imagined their first kiss too many times to recall which one was his first time but none of it goes like this. None of it came in this form; Taeyong having given him the best orgasm and locking their lips in a sweet, heated kiss.

He could taste himself on Taeyong's tongue and normally he'd think it's pretty gross but this is good. Taeyong tastes _good_ and somehow he isn't surprised.

"This our little secret, Johnny?" Taeyong asks, whispered against Johnny's mouth.

He's speechless so the only thing left to do is nod his head. "Yeah… Our little secret."

Taeyong smiles and then he pats Johnny's chest before he kisses him again, this time slower, softer but his tongue still licks into Johnny's mouth.

"See you Monday, Johnny." 

  
  


* * *

  
  


The next time Johnny cums, it's over his own thighs, Taeyong's fingers around his cock pumping him to completion. They're in his car, on the way home from work and Taeyong had been massaging at his clothed shaft the entire ride back home. It's a wonder how he managed to get to the parking lot safely because by the time he'd parked his car, Taeyong had his dick out, slick with precum.

Then, as if it isn't enough, Taeyong raises the hand coated with Johnny's release to clean off each finger with his tongue, all while staring right into Johnny's eyes. It'd be a lie if Johnny said his cock didn't stir.

Taeyong kisses him on his cheek with a friendly smile before he leaves the car, heading home. Johnny sat there for a good fifteen minutes, trying to calm himself down and figure out just what the fuck is happening because this is so, so wrong.

His phone lights up and it's Joy calling him. Johnny curses under his breath, guilt washing over his conscience. He ignores the call even though he knows he shouldn't and he goes home without calling her back. 

* * *

  
  


It becomes routine, somewhat. Johnny tries to recall just how this came to be but the moment Taeyong's hand wraps around him, all of his train of thoughts flew right out the window. Johnny's only a man. 

Every time he tries to talk to Taeyong about what _this_ is, he only falls victim to Taeyong's touches, his kisses, the way his hand and his mouth feels around his cock. And then Johnny would forget what he wanted to say because all he'd want is _Taeyong_.

He'd barely spoken to Joy over the last week, because each time she calls it'd have been just minutes after Johnny came either in Taeyong's mouth or all over his hand. The guilt becomes too much so he stops answering her calls.

Joy isn't one to back down, however, so when Jaehyun announces that he's holding a party, Joy was quick to talk Johnny into going with her. He didn't want to at first but he felt bad for having neglected her so Johnny had reluctantly agreed.

Jaehyun's house is built for parties. He's already wealthy thanks to his parents but starting his business had made it that much better for him. Johnny is so very aware of what others have that he doesn't but he tries not to complain too much. 

He doesn't see Jaehyun or Doyoung or Mark when they finally get there. There are quite a number of people showing up so Johnny knows he won't be seeing any of the boys anytime soon, probably busy with guests. He'd asked if Taeyong was coming and Taeyong said he would be there.

Knowing that gives him some sort of thrill but he doesn't know whether or not it's the kind that he looks forward to. 

"I don't even know where the guys are," Joy is saying, drinking from a red cup before she places it down on the counter. "You wanna go upstairs? Maybe we can go find our own kind of fun."

It takes a moment for him to register what she's implying and the moment it does, his lips part. _Ahh, that kind of fun_. It's only right that Joy would be initiating it; they hadn't had sex in almost a month.

He plays along because he's still a man who's interested in both men and women and this is his _girlfriend_ and Taeyong isn't. He shouldn't feel the need to be loyal to Taeyong when what they've been doing doesn't even have an explanation.

Joy takes his hand then, a small knowing smile on her lips as she guides him up the stairs to the second level of Jaehyun's home. Upstairs, they tumble into the first unlocked door and Joy's already kissing him, lips locked to his as she pushes him down onto the bed in the middle of the room.

He lets out a little laugh as soon as he lands on the plush mattress; trust Jaehyun to have the most comfortable bed in a room that probably isn't even his. 

Joy straddles him then, leaning down to leave open-mouthed kisses onto his lips, along his jaw. It's when he turns his head just a little to allow her access that he sees _him_. 

To his right is the bathroom, the door opened and within it Johnny could see Taeyong with his back against the wall, legs spread, pants pooling at his ankles and he's in the middle of fucking a sizable dildo into his ass, wide eyes meeting Johnny's.

_Fuck._

Johnny doesn't know whether to be angry and frustrated that Taeyong is _everywhere_ or turned on at the very sight of his best friend fucking himself in one of their friends' bathroom. 

By instinct, Johnny flips Joy over onto her back, further up the mattress so she couldn't see Taeyong. He kisses her, hyper aware of the fact that Taeyong is right there, watching him. It's wicked but he's already hard at the thought of Taeyong getting off to him fucking Joy. 

He kisses down her neck, trailing his lips between her breasts and along her navel before he parts her legs. She isn't wearing anything underneath, clearly planned, so Johnny gets to work. He uses what he's good at to pleasure her, tongue lapping up at her cunt over and over and over again until she starts to shake, her orgasm coming in quick and full force.

She releases with a cry and even as she tries to push him off, he replaces his tongue with his palm, rubbing at her clit furiously until she's cumming again. By this time, she's shaking, worn out at least for a little while and he kisses her forehead and tells her he'd be right with her. Just a second.

There's no hesitance in his sure steps as he goes into the bathroom, pulling Taeyong up by his arm and closing the door behind him.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?" Johnny asks and he doesn't care that he isn't gentle. He just wants to know the answer. "Somehow you _knew_ I'd be here and you came to get me to fuck you instead."

Taeyong's cheeks are flushed red, a smirk on his lips. "And what if I did? Are you going to fuck me?"

Johnny lets out a noise that is almost inhuman, expressing the frustration he feels because this is almost too much and he should deny Taeyong but all he does is turn the male around and have him bend over the sink, pushing his jeans down to free his throbbing cock before he pushes into the other. 

His hand is quick to clamp Taeyong's mouth down just as the smaller is about to cry out from the penetration. Taeyong is stretched out enough for there to be little to no resistance when he grinds deeper into him and from the way Taeyong's eyes roll back into his skull, he knows he's doing it right.

"You're such a slut, aren't you?" Johnny whispers, canting his hips forward as he fucks into the boy. "You're so desperate for my cock you don't even care that I have a fucking girlfriend. Is that what gets you off? That you can have me anyway?"

Taeyong sobs into his palm, shaking his head even though his hips push back against Johnny's cock, wanting more. "No. No, please. I just want you. Just want to feel your cock inside me."

Johnny takes it as a push for him to go harder. He's nowhere near gentle as he pounds into Taeyong, free hand curled around his throat whilst he snaps his hips forward, cock plunging hard and deep into the male. His palm over Taeyong's mouth is wet with his tears and his spit and god, it drives Johnny crazy.

In the midst of his continuous thrusts, a knock came at the door and Joy's voice rang, weak and exhausted. "Baby? What's taking so long?"

Johnny doesn't halt his movements as he replies. "Be out in a sec!" 

He shifts then, lifting Taeyong up onto the sink to wrap his legs around his waist and his fingers grip at Taeyong's hips as he pummels into him, over and over again. There's a smirk on Taeyong's mouth, a victorious one before he bites down onto his lower lip to hold back his moans. 

Johnny wishes he could hear them but it's certainly not the time and place. He chases after his orgasm instead, picking up his pace and using Taeyong as a fuck toy before he pulls out with a muffled groan, jacking himself off until he cums, spraying white over Taeyong's chest and abdomen. 

In passing, he rewards Taeyong by pushing back into him, making sure to grind against his prostate until Taeyong starts to shake, making a mess over the pool of Johnny's cum on his belly. 

Johnny tucks himself back into his pants and for a minute, their eyes meet. Taeyong smiles, eyes heavy, and Johnny couldn't help but lean forward to kiss him. He would kiss him for hours if he could.

He pulls back with a gasp, a hand on Taeyong's cheek and then he walks out of the bathroom to see Joy already gone. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


If Johnny had to name the few things he fucked up, it wouldn't be his relationship with Joy. At least not yet. 

When he'd found her gone from the room, it wasn't because she heard him and Taeyong in the bathroom but because of the commotion downstairs. Someone had gotten into a fight, apparently. 

So, that's one save. 

Taeyong, however, decides he no longer wants to do whatever that they were doing. Johnny should be glad that this _thing_ they had would end and he could possibly go back to Joy unscathed, as long as she doesn't have a clue. 

Instead he just feels dejected.

"I'm sorry about, like, everything," Taeyong is saying as Johnny drives them to work. He doesn't have the same, confident aura around him that Johnny's used to seeing for the past month. "I just think we should stop. I'm sure you know it's not fair to Joy."

Johnny's fingers around the steering wheel tightened its grip but he tries not to show it on his face. "I mean, yeah. I know it's not fair to her but like, what changed your mind? We could have stopped this a long time ago."

Taeyong is staring at his fingers when Johnny steals a glance, like he's thinking, finding the right words to say. "I was… I was being selfish. I'm sorry for that. I- Uh, I met someone?"

Ah, but of course, right? Johnny's surprised that he's still surprised by this. He never had a chance.

Clenching his jaw, he stops by the building's lobby and tries to even his breathing. "You go ahead inside. I have to get something."

For a single heartbeat, Taeyong stares at him and then he moves, stepping out of the car. Before he closes the door, he asks, "We're okay, Johnny?"

How can they not be? Johnny feels hurt but he'd known from day one that he'd rather have Taeyong as a friend than not at all. So he nods, flashing Taeyong a smile he hopes looks genuine enough. Taeyong is his best friend, though, so Taeyong knows a forced one when he sees it.

Still, he doesn't press and instead nods his head before closing the door. Johnny watches as he climbs up the stairs before he drives off, for a much needed coffee. It wouldn't solve his problems but it'd keep him functioning at the very least.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was Jaehyun's brilliant fucking idea to have a group dinner date to celebrate his and Doyoung's fifth anniversary that Johnny wishes he could get out of. He doesn't want to be there with Joy and Taeyong with some other person. And he certainly doesn't want to spend an entire night wishing things were different. 

Johnny is still just one man with a girlfriend who likes going to these things and Jaehyun and Doyoung are his best friends so he lets himself be talked into going anyway. 

It is not Jaehyun to hold a small dinner event if he doesn't do it at some fancy restaurant. Johnny thinks he likes to go overboard, that it's in his nature to be showing off what he has and if he was a douche then maybe Johnny wouldn't have stayed friends.

Fancy restaurants mean formal dressing. Johnny hates having to wear a suit to dinner but that's only because he refuses to be in one as long as he deems himself less than decent looking. Joy is dressed in black to match him, a sparkly dress that goes to her knee, the bodice hugging her perfect curves.

Johnny wonders why he isn't in love with her, after a whole year of their relationship.

But the answer is abundantly clear.

Johnny doesn't realize how special Jaehyun had prepared it to be until he was at the doorstep of said restaurant, Joy's hand curled around his arm. There's a host that leads them inside, where the lights are a little dimmed, lit by a few wall lights, a low-lit chandelier in the center and candles on the main table. A few staff wait by the table, showing Johnny and Joy to their seats.

"I thought this was just a dinner date," Joy whispers to him but there's an almost giddy smile on her lips that tells him she absolutely loves it. 

Johnny snickers. "It's Jaehyun we're talking about, babe. Nothing is ever just something with him."

They share a quiet laugh as they take their seats. Slowly a few more people come to join them, ones Johnny realized are close friends of Jaehyun and Doyoung from college. There's Moon Taeil, a close friend of Doyoung's, followed by Na Jaemin, who was in the same year as Mark and ended up interning for Jaehyun's company. 

A few others Johnny doesn't recognize came as well before Mark finally walks in, suited up and looking classy and Johnny's about to make a teasing remark before he sees Lee Donghyuck tail behind him. 

Lee fucking Donghyuck, the boy who had sworn on his entire final assignment in freshman year that he would never ever date Mark Lee. Johnny's jaw drops because one; this is a milestone for Mark and two, how is it that both Jaehyun and Mark get to be with who they've wanted since day one?

It all feels like a cruel joke.

Of course, it's only right that Taeyong came in last. He looks as stunning as he had always been; a dark gray suit to match his pants, no necktie in sight, and his hair is newly bleached silver. His hand is curled around a taller male's arm and with just a single glance, Johnny knows who it is.

"Lucas?!" Joy exclaims, her voice a pitch higher because Johnny knows they are from the same modeling agency and have worked together multiple times. 

She goes to give him a friendly embrace and Johnny's eyes meet Taeyong's. Briefly, they only stared at each other wordlessly. Then Taeyong smiles and Johnny couldn't help but return it. 

Once everyone is settled down, Jaehyun finally appears with Doyoung on his arm. His dimpled grin is of genuine excitement and happiness and Johnny thinks it looks good on him.

"Friends," Jaehyun greets them after helping Doyoung down onto his seat. "Thanks for coming tonight. It's a special night, as you all know. Tonight marks our five years together. Well, technically nine, if Doyoung wasn't playing hard to get throughout high school."

The group of them laugh and Johnny offers a grin, remembering the fond memories they shared back then. Doyoung smiles but not without rolling his eyes before Jaehyun continues.

"I know five years are not that long but we've decided to move forward together and I'm happy to say that we're engaged."

There are gasps going around within the group, coming from mostly the girls, but even Johnny and Taeyong and Mark are surprised, evident from the expression on their faces. Johnny's the first one to rise to his feet, pulling Jaehyun into a hug and then Doyoung, squeezing them both in his arms.

"God, took you guys long enough!" He teases, inciting a laugh from the group and as he sits back down next to Joy, Taeyong and Mark pull the engaged couple into an embrace too.

It's sweet, really, and Johnny's genuinely happy for the two of them. They've had their highs and lows, as expected, but they've grown as individuals and as a pair and it's truly amazing to have witnessed it first-hand. 

Jaehyun proposes a toast and they drink to weddings and everyone's health and happiness before dinner is served. 

Johnny indulges himself in a conversation with Mark, seeing as Joy is busy talking to both Taeyong and Lucas. He's teasing Mark and Donghyuck, on his third glass of champagne, when he hears his name mentioned and he turns to Jaehyun with a questioning look.

"We were just wondering when your turn would be," Jaehyun says with a little snicker, one that's easy to miss if you haven't known him for _years_. 

Johnny scoffs but before he manages to say anything, Joy beats him to it. "At this rate we'd probably gonna see Taeyong and Lucas getting married before I do."

Her tone is playful but Johnny didn't find it funny. "What makes you say that? They barely know each other."

"I was being sarcastic," Joy laughs, a little nervously, because she knows when Johnny is upset and when Johnny isn't. "But yeah, anything is possible."

Lucas decides to jump on board, playfully. "Yeah, and who's to say I can't put a ring on it if I like it?"

Taeyong's cheeks are flushed and Johnny wonders if it's because he drank wine or because he's blushing. He clenches his jaw, muttering under his breath. "Yeah, well, gotta make sure he really likes you for _that_ to last."

But apparently that was too loud because the whole table is staring at Johnny in disbelief. _Shit_. He looks over at Taeyong and he swears there are actual tears in his big eyes. Jaehyun clears his throat but it's Doyoung that leads the topic shift.

It's tense and no one says anything to him until Taeyong excuses himself and slips out of the restaurant. Johnny hits himself internally because he knows that was low of him and he had acted purely out of personal resentment. It wasn't fair.

He finds Taeyong outside leaning against the wall, looking as though he's trying to catch his breath. 

"Taeyong-"

"What, Johnny?" Taeyong snaps, kicking off the wall to face him. His eyes are red and the tip of his nose pink. "What can I do for you?"

"Listen," Johnny starts, sighing. "I'm sorry. That was really uncalled for and I didn't mean it."

Taeyong scoffs, sniffling. "I don't know what your intention was when you said that. Did you mean to embarrass me?"

"No, I really didn't," Johnny says, running a hand down his face. "I'm just- Upset, okay? I'm upset."

"With what?" Taeyong frowns at him. "Is this because I stopped wanting to jack you off, Johnny? Is that it?"

That cuts and Johnny knows it's internal but it feels physical. "What the fuck, Yong? Obviously not."

"Then what?!"

"Because you hurt me, okay?!" Johnny lashes out and he doesn't think it through this time. "I've been fucking in love with you since we were fourteen and every fucking time I try to shoot my shot you're with someone else, or I'm with someone else. I waited three fucking years for you to come home from the UK because we left things off unclear and you gave me signs that it could fucking work but then you came home with fucking Chanyeol as your fiancé."

Taeyong blinks, flinching back as if Johnny had slapped him instead. Johnny's breathing hard through his nose and letting out all his thoughts after so, so long feels somehow liberating.

"I met Joy and I really liked her and then you and Chanyeol split up and I'm back to square one. And I know I'm at fault for thinking of you when I'm with someone but you came at me and we did things I've always thought we'd share in a whole different setting and then one day you just up and decide you don't want to do it anymore because you met someone new. What am I, Yong?"

The silence after is almost deafening. He can hear the cars passing by on the busy road and passer-bys are staring at them but Johnny could only hear his own breathing and the loud, hammering of his heart against his chest. Even now, Johnny couldn't be truly angry at Taeyong. 

It feels as though his heart had been molded to hold a Taeyong-shaped space at such a young age that it's no longer able to bend and hold anyone that isn't his best friend. And that's truly fucking sad.

"You're my best friend, Taeyong," He continues, stepping a little closer. A hand lifts to brush back a stray strand of Taeyong's silver hair behind his ear, and his voice is soft when he speaks. "I'd never do anything to lose you. Even after all these years, after so many lost chances, I don't care as long as you're in my life. That's how much you mean to me. No one would ever understand it."

Taeyong's eyes seem to have grown in size as he stares up into Johnny's, glassy from the tears he was holding back and carrying such innocence that reminds Johnny just how much he loves the boy. He parts his lips to speak but then his gaze flickers towards the door and Johnny turns to find Joy there.

There's hurt in Joy's eyes as she glares at him with disgust, enough to tell him that she'd heard enough. 

Johnny holds his breath and he parts his lips to speak but he couldn't find the words that would even come close to how sorry he feels. 

"Don't call me or text me ever again, Johnny," Joy says, stepping down the stairs and wiping at her cheek. "I don't want anything to do with you."

With that, she leaves and even though Taeyong brushes his hand over his elbow in some sort of apology, he leaves too. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Johnny can't remember when exactly he'd ruined his own life with the decisions that he made. Was it when he let Taeyong get on his knees that fateful morning or was it when he let his mind stray too far when he'd heard Taeyong moan on that stupid massage chair? No, he thinks it dates further back.

It could have been when he foolishly waited for Taeyong that three years of going to separate college without clearly expressing what he wanted. Or it could have been that summer after high school and he had all the time to kiss Taeyong but he didn't. 

But he thinks about that day when Taeyong scored for their team, both of them sixteen years old, and he could have been the one who got to it before Yuta did. If he had moved a minute _earlier_.

He thinks about that night Taeyong woke him up to see the stars, two fourteen-year old boys sneaking out from the window of their bedrooms to lay on the grass instead and wonders if he should have said something then. 

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It's all a little too late now. 

He did send Joy a message since she wasn't picking up any of his calls. He'd thought she would have blocked him as soon as she could but the fact that he was still able to call her meant that she hadn't. So he texted her instead but even the long paragraph of his apology couldn't come close to making up to it.

Taeyong, on the other hand, avoids him like the plague. He assumes it must have been his untimely confession and he had known from the start that Taeyong doesn't see him in that light so he could only imagine how awkward Taeyong must feel now.

It's truly disheartening and his heartbreak shows in his work and it's not _good_. Johnny wonders how many more mistakes he's bound to make before he loses his entire friend group too. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


"You gotta relax, John," Jaehyun is saying over their cups of coffee, at lunch in a cafe they frequent. "Everything takes time and I'm sure it'll work out."

Johnny stares at Jaehyun, bewildered that his friend could still sound so calm as if Johnny didn't just confess to him about every little crime he'd committed in his love life.

Mirroring the energy, Johnny sips at his americano. "Did you hear anything I just told you?"

"Let me recap," Jaehyun clears his throat, leaning back against his seat with that knowing smirk he wears whenever he's teasing. Johnny rolls his eyes. "You've been in love with Taeyong since before puberty, every time one of you is single the other is not… Hm. Oh, right. You cheated on your girlfriend with your best friend who you've been in love with since forever. Did I miss anything out?"

It takes every ounce of his energy not to jump at Jaehyun for the tone he's using because he probably deserves it. Jaehyun has every right to judge him for the shit that he'd pulled but he's grateful the boy is still here, even if he's going to make it hard for him. In all honesty, he's glad it's not Doyoung he's talking to right now or he won't see the end of it.

"I know I screwed up, alright?" Johnny sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "I fucked up big time with Joy and I should have just broken up with her before any of that happened."

Jaehyun hums. "You were thinking it weren't you? When? Was it when Taeyong and Chanyeol broke off their engagement?"

Johnny pauses for a heartbeat before nodding his head. "I know it's a pathetic excuse but I've wanted him since I was fourteen, okay? Or sixteen, maybe. At least that was when I realized it anyway. But Nakamoto Yuta had to beat me to it."

"Ouch," Jaehyun clicks his tongue. "Just like he beat you to becoming team captain."

Johnny wants to scream. He'd let it go so many years ago that he'd forgotten about it but it's so like Jaehyun to remind him. He scowls, displeased.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, he doesn't have the person he wants either."

That has Johnny quirking up a brow. "You're still in touch with him?"

Jaehyun shrugs. "I am with most people back in high school and college. Gotta keep the connections, John."

"Huh," Johnny mutters. "No, it doesn't make me feel better. Look, I have no resentment for him or anyone Taeyong's ever dated before. I just- I don't want to lose him as a friend. He's already avoiding me and not even subtle about it."

"How?"

"He saw me the other day in the lobby and literally stopped before he did a reverse and disappeared into the cafeteria," Johnny explains, recalling it painfully. "God, I fucked up so much. I wasn't even going to tell him. Like, ever."

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment before he speaks. "Listen, here's what I think, yeah? Taeyong, he- he's soft, right? You know that. On the inside, he's _butter_. He's tough as hell going through everything he's had to go through and he can throw a mean punch if you're asking for it—"

"Speaking from experience, I see," Johnny teases, remembering junior year high school when Jaehyun went overboard and Taeyong had nearly broken his jaw. "That was still the funniest thing up to date."

Jaehyun rolls his eyes but there's a laugh that leaves him. "No shit, bro. I couldn't eat for a week. But anyways, my point is, he probably just needs a little more time to soften up. He loves you, man. He cares about you a fuck ton. I don't think he's gonna drop your friendship over this, you know?"

Johnny nods his head slowly, letting Jaehyun's words assure him that Taeyong wouldn't be so cruel as to cut him off completely. He'd already lost Joy but he's known all along that losing Taeyong was never an option. They're best friends, they would always be.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Giving Taeyong the space Johnny thinks he needs proves to be harder than he'd thought, especially since they work in the same building and Johnny could see him at least in the lobby every single day. 

He doesn't approach no matter how badly he wants to and at most he gets a brief smile from Taeyong before they go separate ways. To call it miserably painful would be an understatement and he's so, so tempted to talk to Taeyong about all of this. 

The worst thing that could happen, really, is that they completely stop being friends and that's really, really bad because Johnny's done everything he could to prevent ever losing Taeyong and if it happens then it would have all been for nothing. 

It goes on for another month before Taeyong finally talks to him. Granted, they were put together for a basic project for a filler section of the magazine. He figures it's because they've been lacking in their work productivity and now they're made to go for a little visit to different tourist attractions. 

Taking pictures of the places is Johnny's passion but he cannot imagine being Taeyong and having to actually write about these attractions that they don't even go to. But he guesses Taeyong wouldn't mind.

He's snapping shots of the national park when Taeyong finally speaks up. "This kinda blows, doesn't it?"

"Hm?" Johnny turns to him, questioning. "Oh, yeah. You totally deserve to get better cases to do, honestly. Hopefully next month goes better?"

"No, I mean," Taeyong sighs, gesturing between them. "This. Us. It blows."

"Oh."

Taeyong runs his fingers through his blonde hair, bleached again, and his lips purse. "I guess it's my fault. I'm sorry."

This is it, then, Johnny thinks. It's about time. "No, hey. It's not. It was mine. Everything was just at the wrong time and- I guess I just have a very bad sense of it. I'm sorry for that night."

"I meant for avoiding you all this time instead of talking it out, Johnny," Taeyong says. There's a smile on his lips, soft and genuine. He leans back against the wooden fence that lined the pathway, toying with his fingers. "I ended things with Lucas."

Johnny doesn't know how to feel. There's the natural relief that floods through him but it's quickly replaced with dread. "I'm sorry to hear that. If it was because of me, I- I really didn't mean for it to end up this way. I had no intention to—"

"Johnny, stop," Taeyong cuts him off, huffing out a puff of air that blows at his bangs. "I had some time to think about everything you told me."

The brief pause is silent save for Johnny's racing heart, beating loud against his chest. He keeps his hands around his camera, stepping closer towards Taeyong so he could look at him better. 

"And?"

"Well," Taeyong clears his throat. "I'd be lying if I didn't wish it was you that asked me instead of Yuta. We were sixteen and you were so painfully _straight_ —"

"Excuse me?" Johnny asks, incredulous. 

Taeyong blinks. "You didn't come out to me or anyone until we saw you with Ten, Johnny. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. I thought we were best friends and you didn't even tell me you liked guys too and I had to find out like everyone else? And it also hurt because I never knew I had a chance. It's… kind of the reason Yuta and I broke up? Because I couldn't stop thinking about you."

Johnny lets this sink in. He'd never known Taeyong's side of the story simply because they've never talked about this and he didn't think they would ever get to this point. 

"What are you saying, Taeyong?"

Taeyong sighs again, "I'm saying my timing has never been right either. When you and Ten broke up, I felt bad for feeling _happy_. And we got to spend that summer together and I'm not sure if you remember that we almost kissed but we didn't and then I got accepted into Oxford and it didn't feel right to pursue anything if we were gonna be so far away."

"And while we called and facetimed each other, you never said anything," Taeyong continues. "And maybe I should have but I was stupid and scared and then I met Chanyeol and I couldn't say no to him."

Johnny knows it's summer now and the air shouldn't be this chilly but he feels the cold of it brush his skin. What Taeyong is telling him feels almost too much to take in and he doesn't know how to react.

Taeyong's big eyes found his once again and they were soft and kind and scared. "It didn't work with Chanyeol because I started looking for _you_ in him and got upset when I couldn't find it. I got upset that the moment I'm back here all these feelings come back and I remembered how much I want you and how painfully different you both are and it made me realize that I don't want him. I just made the decision a little too late. By the time we were over for good, you already met Joy."

"And I'm sorry for coming onto you while you were obviously a taken man. That was wrong of me and I hate myself for it every day. I'm sorry that it broke your relationship, Johnny. I really am."

Johnny stays quiet for another moment, staring at his feet, at his camera, back up into Taeyong's pretty eyes. "As much as that was a major reason why we broke up, and it wasn't your fault as much as it was mine, I think she and I would have split either way."

The expression on Taeyong's face tells enough that he doesn't quite understand it, so Johnny explains. "Like I said before, when you and Chanyeol split, the feelings I've always had for you came back. And I was thinking about ending things with Joy because it wouldn't be fair to her. And then you asked me if I'm blinded by love because you assumed I was in love with her and it was then that I truly realized that I don't think I'd ever be in love with her."

"I know I should have ended things with her before we got carried away with what we did and I have no excuse for why I didn't," Johnny continues, sighing once again. "I'd always be sorry for treating her the way I did, but either way nothing could have saved our relationship. Not while I'm still in love with you."

Like before, this feels liberating and he could tell Taeyong feels the same with how his shoulders visibly relaxed. And then he asks, "What now?"

Johnny looks at him, as his pretty face and sparkling eyes, at how his mouth pouts naturally and how his cheeks are a little pink and he wants all of it, wants all of Taeyong but what Taeyong wants matters too.

"What do you want, Taeyong?"

At this, Taeyong's features soften a little and there's a tiny smile at his lips. "What I've always wanted."

"And what is that?"

"You," Taeyong says with no hesitance but he's quick to add. "It just feels a little wrong, right now. If that makes sense? I want it to feel right. I want both of us to feel good and not guilty. And I don't know how much longer it'll take."

The disappointment Johnny feels is palpable but he agrees. It has only been a month or so since Joy left him and shorter since Taeyong ended things with Lucas, so to move forward would meddle with too much of the guilt they still feel. 

He smiles, nodding his head. "I've waited since I was fourteen. I can wait a little longer."

Taeyong's smile when he returns it, however, is unmatched and Johnny is reminded time and time again just how beautiful his best friend really is. "Do you believe it, then? That one day it'll all be ours?"

Johnny nods again. "Yeah, I do."

  
  


* * *

  
  


They go back to the way things used to be. Almost. Taking the time to grow as individuals turn out to be a good decision because while they aren't together just yet, Johnny still gets to crash over at Taeyong's place and vice versa. They still go to lunch and dinner together and it's like that summer after high school once again. And it was good. 

Work gets better in all the different aspects too. Johnny gets into more projects and Taeyong is excelling in his department. Time passes well when good things are happening. 

Now that it's clear where they stand, Johnny doesn't feel that same weight of worry thinking about Taeyong finding someone else. They both know what they want, that it's only a matter of time before it happens, and the feeling that came with is amazing. Johnny wouldn't complain about the flirting either. Taeyong somehow grew adorable over the course of time. Miraculous, as always. 

Without really noticing, a year goes by and Johnny only realized it when he received the official invitation card to Jaehyun and Doyoung's wedding. They've made it a big event at a pretty well known hotel but it doesn't surprise Johnny, seeing as it was _Jaehyun_ and his lavish lifestyle. 

He asked Taeyong to be his plus-one. Taeyong's response was a scoff before he tells Johnny that he might have already decided on their suits.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The line between odd and amazing when it comes to watching his best friends tying the knot is a very thin thread, Johnny thinks. On the one hand, he feels the swelling of his heart when Jaehyun and Doyoung exchange vows, at the altar, looking the happiest they've ever been. On the other hand, however, although it's been Jaehyun and Doyoung for awhile, now it's permanently Jaehyun and Doyoung.

Taeyong cries, as expected. In Jaehyun's words, and this is true (and maybe Taeyong had gotten a little sulky about it when they brought it up), Taeyong is _butter_. He's only hardened for a little while before something would melt it all away eventually and he becomes this; teary-eyed and cheering loudly after they sealed the kiss. 

It is a happy day, however, Johnny knows that much for certain. Jaehyun's dimples look like they've digged deeper into his cheeks and Doyoung cried in an embrace he shared with Taeyong and then again when the five of them, Mark included, huddled for a group hug. 

And perhaps once more when the old high school football team gathered around for a final group huddle. 

"I wanna make a toast," Mark is saying, calling upon everyone's attention during the wedding reception. He raises his glass of champagne. "This is, first and foremost, for Jaehyun and Doyoung. You've gone a long way to get here, most of us know that. But this is also for everyone else that's found love, in random places, in the right places, at the wrong or right time. And I think what Jaehyun and Doyoung have now is a great, great example that things could be this good, despite the bad in-betweens."

Jaehyun is grinning, Doyoung smiling fondly. Next to Johnny, Taeyong is staring wide-eyed at Mark, his eyes glassy. Mark continues, and this time he looks directly at Johnny and Taeyong. "If we want something, we'll have to work hard through hardships, and sometimes we make mistakes. And we make a lot of mistakes and I think that's okay, as long as we learn from them. Jaehyun taught me to never give up and Doyoung taught me to be patient and I never thought of it this way but, the two really work well together. Patience, perseverance, love. It all comes in one package. So here I am today, and I say this proudly, a toast for the newly married."

The guests break into an applause after everyone clinks their champagne glasses and takes a sip. Johnny's eyes meet Taeyong's and they share a knowing smile. They're far from what Jaehyun and Doyoung have but Johnny thinks they can start soon.

Later, instead of throwing a bouquet of flowers to the guests like most brides do, Doyoung reluctantly tosses his decorative gold rose that sits in his suit pocket. It's hard to catch, but Taeyong comes out with it clutched to his chest, a beam on his face.

Even later that night, Johnny offers Taeyong his arm to dance and they swayed with the music with their foreheads pressed together and all Johnny could smell is Taeyong's shampoo and cologne, all he could feel is the warmth in his chest, where his Taeyong-shaped heart rests, and all he could see is Taeyong, with that glitter under his eyebrows and his hair dyed light brown with blond highlights, a nest of slightly permed curls on his head. 

And Johnny thinks this is what happiness looks like.

"This is me," Taeyong says as Johnny walks him up to his apartment, as if Johnny doesn't already memorize the steps by heart. He's smiling cheekily, rose tinged with pink. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Johnny could let it stop there, like he has so many times for so many years. But now, in this moment, it feels right. "Hey, I could be wrong but, I think tonight did something for us too, didn't it?"

"You feel it, too?"

He nods, smiling. "Yeah. And I really, really want to kiss you right now but I won't if you aren't ready."

Taeyong laughs and then he cups his hands over Johnny's face and pulls him down for a proper kiss. Johnny's hands naturally go to each of Taeyong's hips as their lips mold together perfectly and it feels like the first time. He deepens it, licking into Taeyong's mouth as his arms wind around the smaller male. Taeyong's moan is soft as he swallows it and then he's pulling Johnny closer, pulling away only so he could unlock his door.

And unlike all those times they've been this physically connected, this time it feels real and it feels like commitment and pure, unadulterated joy.

They end the night in a tangle of limbs, Taeyong's legs around his hips and his cock buried deep within the boy's cunt and he makes love to him the way he always wanted to; with their chests flushed together and lips connected in a kiss as he fucks into Taeyong with fervor, with passion, with unexplainable lust. 

It's softer than the first time they've fucked but at the same time better and it's in the way Taeyong moans his name, the way he feels around him, the way he angles his hips to hit him right where he wants it. And it's in the way they both reach the peak together with whispered 'I love you's they've waited for so long to say. 

Johnny kisses Taeyong until they fall asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms, sweaty and gross, but Johnny wouldn't have it any other way.

  
  


* * *

  
  


They're twenty-seven, sitting on the same hill they sat on the very first night they watched the stars. Johnny is staring at Taeyong's face because he always does, because Taeyong secretly likes it too.

Because Taeyong has a nice face and Taeyong smiles like he wouldn't choose to be anywhere else and looking at Taeyong always makes Johnny feel peaceful. So he stares, because he can.

Taeyong is staring up at the sky, leaning back and resting upon his palms as he inhales the air. His hair is blonde now, a little longer, and he's wearing Johnny's white dress shirt, buttoned only in the middle and leaving plenty of skin exposed despite the chilly night. Johnny eyes his fair complexion, how kissable his collarbones are, how soft his navel looks. Johnny thinks he might be obsessed.

He knows he should probably do the same, should appreciate the night sky and how the stars are twinkling for them, but he couldn't look away from Taeyong, and how his smile is everything and his eyes are twinkling, maybe a little brighter than the stars.

"You wanna know something, Johnny?" Taeyong asks, finally meeting his gaze. Johnny raises his brows in question and Taeyong smiles as he shoots a little closer. "Remember when I said that I just wanted to spend time here with you, all those years ago, because I could think of many things and still feel peaceful?"

Johnny nods. "Clear as day, baby."

Taeyong's smile widens and he shifts so he's sitting between the cage that is Johnny's long legs, body half turned to face the taller. "What I meant, really, was that I get to have you selfishly, without guilt and you seemed to love it too, if you staring at me means anything."

Johnny laughs, wrapping his arms around Taeyong's midriff. He kisses the boy's cheek and then his shoulder. "I think those were my favorite moments."

"Yeah?" Taeyong beams, turning his head to meet Johnny's gaze. He brushes his nose against Johnny's and Johnny takes this chance to press a kiss to his boyfriend's lips with a hand around his jaw. Once, twice and then a deeper one. When they pull away, Taeyong's a little breathless, smiling giddily. 

Johnny's grinning just as widely now, leaving another peck to Taeyong's cheek and then another and another and trailing them down to his neck where he then blew raspberries at his skin, enough to tickle and have Taeyong bursting into a fit of giggles, sliding further down in his attempt to flee.

He only lets up when Taeyong starts whining, smacking helplessly at his arm and struggling to breathe from laughing too much. 

"Stop it, I'm gonna pee!!" Taeyong is saying, half whining and half laughing, face red from the giggles and his attempt to kick Johnny off of him. They're fully laid out on the grass now, Johnny half on top of Taeyong. "Seriously, Johnny. If I peed you're not allowed to break up with me."

Johnny scoffs, pulling back a little bit only so he could look down at Taeyong's pretty face. "Nothing can make me break up with you, stupid."

Taeyong gasps dramatically but he couldn't keep up the act and his lips stretch into another smile, palm pushing at Johnny's face. " _You're_ stupid. Get off me. Johnny?? I said get off!"

"No," Johnny shakes his head, emitting another laugh. "Come here, you pretty baby. God, I fucking love you." Johnny groans before his large hand curls around Taeyong's jaw and he leans down to kiss him, soft at first and then a little deeper.

When they part, they're a little breathless and Taeyong's eyes are half-lidded, smiling up at him. He's breathtaking, the way his eyes can be soft, can be this inviting, the way his lips part just slightly, tugged up at the corner in a smile. He's beautiful and his soul is made of light and everything good and he holds entire galaxies in his eyes and that is why Johnny thinks the stars are absolutely nothing compared to those sparkling brown orbs. 

"I love you," He says and it's everything, everything Johnny could possibly want.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnyongclub) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/johnyongclub)!


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